Brown Lettuce, Loyalty Cards and Life's Complications!

There was a time – not too long ago – when I thrilled to new things and loved getting to grips with them. When VHS recorders came out I quickly mastered how to tune them in, programme them, set the digital clocks and the like. When I bought a new hi-fi system I always wanted and loved the one with the most dials and knobs to twiddle and play with. I could spend hours setting it up and tinkering with them. And not for me a simple camera that automatically took great photographs – no, I wanted a camera with lots of settings to grapple with - a cameral where I was in control and which took some skill and expertise to handle! The oft used phrase "Toys for boys" might have been thought up with me in mind! But not any longer! As I get older I simply want things to work – "to do what it says on the tin”. I no longer want all the clever dials and switches. I become frustrated with complicated handbooks. Pat and I recently had new smart phones – wonderful machines but whereas Pat will patiently work her way through the instructions and get pleasure out of mastering these things I just want to press the button and make a call. I don't "do" instructions - Pat tells me that is a "man thing"! Our TV’s digital recorder is set by Pat and I stand by, hopelessly confused, watching her do it. It’s not, I think, that I can’t do these things – but simply that I have lost interest in doing them. What I once saw as a challenge, something to be mastered and some test of my innate male capacity to know about such things is now just a chore!

Jobs with one of his "must haves"

My declining interest in complicated new things and my lack of enthusiasm for mastering new ideas or objects  is slightly worrying. I have always prided myself in being “in touch” or “up to date” and felt that this was important. Increasingly, however, I perceive this change in my interests as a worrying sign that maybe “old age” is catching up with me! On the other hand, I comfort myself by simply reflecting that I am now simply more interested in other things and can become totally involved and engrossed in political, economic or philosophical debate or in writing gobbledegook such as this blog!. Maybe I have just “moved on”.

Maybe, however, I have just become a grumpy old man! Certainly, the world seems to have become a very complicated place. Let me explain.

When Steve Jobs, inventor, designer and founder of “Apple” died a few months ago I can remember reading one of the many obituaries of the man. One of these suggested that Jobs had the knack of inventing, designing and marketing things that you never knew that you needed.  When I read this, my initial reaction was, "well, that is what all inventors do – invent something that wasn’t there before and which people had not anticipated and therefore did not know they needed". On further reflection, however, I thought there might be a point – for example, transportable music in the form of (say) a ‘Walkman’ had been around for many years – people were quite happy with it, there was no need for anything else.  But then along came Jobs with his “i-pod” and cornered the market with a product that the whole world, it seemed, wanted  – a “must have”, an object of desire which for many (including myself) became a “need”. We didn’t know we needed or wanted it until Jobs produced it. I was reflecting on this the other day when I read an article in the Guardian asking the question what do we need for a “good life”? Much of the article was concerned with distinguishing between “need” and “want” – two differing concepts. The i-pod, the i-pad and the i-phone were mentioned together with many other objects of desire as expressed by people. 

Do I need this CC?

And as I read I reflected that recently I have thought that I would much like (want) a new car – not any car, but a VW CC.  I do not need it – my present VW Golf is still relatively new and so far as I know in the peak of condition and is more than adequate for my needs. And yet nibbling away in the background has been an unfulfilled desire to fulfil this inner “want” or maybe “need”. Indeed, a few weeks ago I sat in the said desired vehicle in my local VW showroom. I fantasised about sweeping down the motorway in this luxury machine – the envy of all. Only a year or two ago things would have been different.  I know that I would have taken the plunge – convinced myself, as I sat in the showroom, that I actually did need this thing – and I would have approached the salesman to do the deal. But not now. It’s not the money. It’s not about any reservations about the particular vehicle. It’s just that I increasingly find myself thinking “I don’t actually need it. And if I buy it, although I know that there will be an initial buzz of enthusiasm or joy, this, I know, will soon wear off and in the end it is only a lump of metal, rubber and plastic sitting on my drive that does exactly the same job as my current Golf!"   

I find myself increasingly making this sort of  judgement with all things – do I, do we (as individuals or societies) actually need all that is on offer. Is it important? Is it better? Does it serve any useful purpose? Is it a “must have”? Or is it just a bauble to give, like the latest drug, another “kick” or “lift” to brighten the otherwise dull life of 21^st century man.

Toilet paper is so very
complicated!

Added to all this, it seems to me that the world is really now a very complicated place – even with the most humble of items. When I walk around the supermarket I have a huge choice of everything. “Go and get a pack of toilet rolls” Pat tells me so I take off in the direction of toilet rolls - what could be easier!  But when I get there, what to choose? What colour? Twelve pack or six pack? Quilted on not? Supermarket’s own brand or the proprietary brand ? Aloa vera enriched and scented or not................? And so it goes on. Life  isn’t simple anymore. Indeed, is an aloa vera enriched toilet roll a need or a want, an essential or an extravagance? And is it really any different in performing a pretty basic task? Am I lesser human being and will we be socially ostracised if I decide on basic toilet tissue? Is it really any better? Does it actually matter! It seems to me that so much of our world, and indeed so much the function of manufacturers and advertisers in the modern world, has become the fulfilment of the Jobs’ epitaph – convincing people that they need, and will thus desire, a particular item even though (until someone thought of the item) no-one ever knew that they had this need or desire.  Man (and woman) kind has had a basic need for bottom wiping since time began. But did we know that we needed quilted or aloa vera enriched tissue to do it............until some executive sat in an office and had a good idea!

A small selection of the decision
making process options when I
wipe the kitchen working surface!

Those of you who have read my blog before will know we recently had a bit of building work at home – amongst other things a new kitchen. We are delighted with the results but everyday jobs I used to perform very happily in the kitchen I now have to seek help with – so terrified am I (yes, I mean that!) of making some crucial faux pas or worse still using the wrong item and causing permanent damage to our sink, working surfaces, cupboards, cooker, tiling and the rest.   No longer can I simply wipe all the kitchen surfaces with the dish cloth and a bit of bleach or kitchen cleaner. We have a huge selection of different cloths – e-cloths for wiping the cupboard surfaces, e-cloths for polishing, jay cloths, cloths to soak up moisture, cloths for the stainless steel sink, window cleaning cloths.........the list is quite endless. We have cupboards full of cleaning fluids and creams for every possible scenario. I am truly terrified of mistakenly using the wrong cloth with the wrong cream. The disgrace and inadequacy of it would, I think, haunt me for the rest of my life!

Now, which programme do I need to
wash these underpants!

I dread the morning that Pat has to rush out and forgets to put on the washing machine and a later phone call tells me to do it. The new machine has so many programmes - which one to use!: dark wash, sportswear, sensitive, delicate, temperature, cotton, prewash........... I’ve seen higher degrees presented for less knowledge. Who are these super heroes who float downstairs in the morning, totally in control of life with the contents of the dirty washing basket and know intuitively the correct programme combination to ensure that each item is washed to perfection with correct temperature, spin, material programme etc. Are there really people on the planet who have the time or inclination to master all these wash programmes? Do these people have such empty vacuous lives that this is important to them. Which gene have I missed out on that means that I stand there bleary eyed in the morning looking at the various programmes and not having the faintest clue what I should do or which button I should press? How did my mother manage, for all those years, to turn us out with clean shirts day after day with only a sink and one cold water tap (hot water had to be boiled in a kettle or a pan)? And then, having done the scrubbing put the washing through the iron mangle in the yard, hang it on a washing line to dry or if wet on the ceiling “rack” in the kitchen. Of course, it was back breaking work but basically simple. Today, however, my washing machine tells me that this simple operation is the subject of advanced programming technology - much of which I guess has been developed as some sort of spin off from the space programme! I’m not against progress - but life has really become very complicated!

The final nail in the coffin of my feeling of total inadequacy in the face of “progress” came on our return from Suffolk last week. Whilst in Suffolk we visited a kitchen shop in the lovely resort of Southwold. Pat bought one or two items for the kitchen – one of them a green plastic knife. I thought no more about this until I noticed it in the drawer the other night and asked why she had bought it. To my amazement, I learned, it is to stop the lettuce going brown when we cut it! Now why didn’t I know that!? Pat told me this as if it was one of the world’s great truths that every life form on the planet is aware of! The sun will rise, the rivers will flow, the whole of creation will blossom – but your lettuce will go brown if you don’t cut it with a green plastic knife! Maybe she was having me on? How had my mother survived to her eighty odd years without this item of crucial information? Indeed, how had I survived and reach adulthood eating all that brown lettuce cut with an ordinary knife and tragically fed to me by my poor unsuspecting mother?  Could my mother’s lax approach to my welfare be construed as some form of abuse? And what about the rabbit kingdom – surely they should be told of this new essential for the consumption of their staple diet!

Ah! No more brown lettuce!

Even the act of going shopping today is complicated and not easy! Gone are the days when you could pop into a shop with your purse or wallet and make a simple purchase, pay the cash and walkout with the task easily fulfilled.  When I visit the local  filling station or  supermarket I now get asked if I have a loyalty card or a reward card; do I want “cash back”; would I like a polythene bag costing 2p in which to carry my purchases? Would I like help with my packing? Do I want a VAT receipt? Would I like a bar of chocolate or a fluffy toy that is being promoted at the moment and which I can have for a discounted price? Did I realise that there is two for the price of one offer on that item? And so the list goes on. Then, having paid the till operator, the final demand......."as you haven't got your loyalty card with you would you like me to put the reward points on to the receipt so that your wife can have them added on to your account later". In response I nod dumbly take my receipt and in a final act of defiance drop it into the litter basket in the shop door way.  Totally dispirited I stand there like a confused nodding donkey saying yes to everything or confessing that I am some kind of sub human since I do not possess the required loyalty card or do not wish to buy the eco friendly shopping bag that the supermarket chain is promoting. When I return home I nod vigorously when asked the inevitable question......"did you use your loyalty card?"

I just love loyalty and reward cards!

Invariably, too, I feel that I have let the till operator down by not availing myself of the many attractions she has on offer. I fear that she will return home that night to tell her hungry young children, as she tucks them into bed, of the nasty old man who came into the shop today and wouldn’t buy an eco shopping bag. “My children”, she will tearfully say “the man wouldn’t buy a bag or a special promotion bar of chocolate and didn’t have a loyalty card so I didn’t get my bonus so there is no food to eat tonight..........” Like some kind of modern day Grimm’s Fairy tale – “The Old Man With No Loyalty Card” - she kisses her children goodnight and will say “Remember, don’t get like that grumpy old man, always buy two for one packs of quilted aloe vera enriched toilet paper. And make sure that you use your loyalty card or you won’t go to heaven.......”

I take no pride in this lack of modernity. I wish it were not thus. I accept it as my failing. Deep down, I know that I should be more "on the ball" but as each week and month goes by I seem to look a little more fretfully at the world. I have absolutely no doubt I could master the kitchen cloths, knives, loyalty cards - and yes even the washing machine and TV recorder. I know that I really would get pleasure out of that new VW CC. But in the end I am increasingly happy with my "lot" and feel less and less the need to continually seek to master things or experience the great and the new. Maybe I am just getting old - and this I do find worrying.

As I write that sentence I am taken back to my much loved and respected great uncle - John. He died when I was about twenty and always had a great capacity, although an old man, to be able to speak to the young. Only a week or two ago I read that this year is the fiftieth anniversary of the Rolling Stones group and I immediately thought of Uncle John. I pictured and remembered saying to me (I was about 16 at the time)  fifty plus years ago  "Now tell me Tony, what is it about these Rolling Stones that you youngsters like.......". At the time, half a century ago, the Stones were just breaking onto the pop scene and regarded as some dreadful influence on the young but I thought it was great - that I, a teenager, could talk to an old man who had fought in the Great War who was actually interested in what I had to say and what youngsters thought. He didn't seem at all like the other older people I knew who dismissed the Stones and the Beatles out of hand. Uncle John kept up to date - he kept a lifelong interest to the end -  a man ahead of his time. Had he been alive today I'm sure he would have had an i-phone or i-pad. He would certainly have got to grips with the washing machine programme and I bet his wallet would have been full of loyalty cards! So, maybe, for my own salvation and those around me I should take a leaf out of his book and  get to grips with these loyalty cards, the plastic green knife, the washing machine and all these other wants and needs of modern life! But, just don't hold your breath!