I am an infrequent and largely unwilling user of social
media – namely Facebook. But, as those who use it will know, once you are
signed up then you cannot generally ignore it. With regularity one will receive
some kind of communication from the site – a “friend” request, a comment about
what someone is doing or how they are feeling, a link to another web site, or some long lost friend,
neighbour, work colleague or acquaintance who has “found” you on the system and
wants to rekindle the past. For me it is not unusual to have a contact from a
past pupil that I have taught – now a parent themselves, or in some cases, a
grandparent! When a contact like this occurs I often have to rack my brain
trying to remember this name from the past. Fortunately, I have a pretty good
memory for my past pupils so I can usually put the bits of the jigsaw back
together and respond to the contact in some meaningful way. Equally, I’m
pleased to say, those who do contact me
seem to have done so with mostly fond memories of their time in my class or
school – so it is rewarding for me to receive their, usually, good wishes, recall school memories and especially gratifying to learn of what they
are doing as adults.
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A slimmer me with one of my past classes - quite a few of these
past pupils keep in contact and are parents of teenagers themselves
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Whenever I receive a communication from an ex-pupil I often
reflect upon how our whole lives are made up of millions (billions?) of events
and experiences that consciously or sub consciously make us what we are. And
this is a reciprocal arrangement – we are not only the receivers of these
experiences that make us what we are but also the givers – what we do and how
we respond to others in a small way makes them what they are. It is an unavoidable consequence of social interaction.
It is also true, I believe that it is often the unplanned and unexpected that
have the greatest effect. As a teacher when I faced a class or taught a lesson
I hoped that every child would benefit and be the better for my carefully planned
lesson or programme of study but all too often in the communications that I
receive from ex-pupils it is the unplanned and unexpected that is remembered
most and which has perhaps had the longer lasting effect; the actual facts of the
lesson(s) long forgotten but the overall impact still there, imprinted upon the
subconscious. I’m sure that this is right – that in our daily dealings with we often
retain little of the detail but much more of the overall and often unplanned
effect.
As an example of this I received a communication some months
ago from a young man who I had taught as a 10 year old. He was a bright lad but
sadly there were problems at home and he found school discipline and expectations
a trial – he was frequently in trouble, stubborn and not making the best of the
opportunities. I spent much of my time each day
trying to keep him on the straight and narrow – and usually feeling that I had
failed. I feared that he would increasingly find himself in trouble as he grew up so it was gratifying when I received a Facebook contact from him after more than twenty years to find that he was now successful in both his work and his personal life. He
acknowledged his school days problems in a follow up email to me after making the
initial Facebook contact:
“I'm so pleased that you still remember
me after all this time Mr Beale! You are correct in remembering that I was with you during the early 90's,
probably the best years of my school life! I always remembered you because I
used to love your assemblies, I have in my mind you used to tell the school
stories about Preston North End.......as you probably remember my upbringing
wasn't always ideal and unfortunately probably reflected in my behaviour at
times. However I do feel that I have come out well.....I have been lucky enough
to travel to some amazing countries and cities through the company and I am
currently working in the South of France...... I'm so pleased that you 5
healthy grandchildren and you see them often..... they are lucky to have you as
a grandparent! You were an amazing teacher and a great person to all of us at
school so I know they are very lucky children!......”
He was
right – I often used to joke with the boys about the best football teams – they
always supported the big name teams like Liverpool or Manchester United so it
came as a bit of a shock when they realised that Mr Beale supported an unknown
team like Preston North End. He was right, too, about the assemblies – as soon
as he mentioned it I remembered well how he would often walk around the
playground with me asking about the story that I had told in assembly that day.
My assemblies had obviously had an impact, although I never imagined or
realised that almost 30 years later he would still be able to recall the
pleasure and happy memories that they had given him. It was both humbling and
very gratifying to hear from this young man who had had a rough time when he
was a child – and now was settled and doing well in another part of the country
– and that deep down he had good memories of times past.
It was
not as dissimilar story with a girl that I taught as an 11 year old who wrote
to me:
“......I
often think to myself I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t had you as my teacher all those years ago. Before your class I was a school
avoider, and used to protest when my mum would try to drag me in each morning.
But something changed that year in your classroom, I began to not only enjoy
school, but I began to believe in myself and my capabilities. I wasn't the
prettiest child, or the most agile, but through your investment in me as an
individual, like all the individual pupils you have ever taught, I found my
niche as more of an academic than athlete!
From that point I always wanted to be a teacher, as I loved being in a
classroom. And that's what I did. I went to the University to study Sociology
and have been teaching in secondary schools in and around Nottingham before
settling into my current role as a Department Head of Sociology at a local
college.
So I must thank you, so very much. I don't know what would have happened if I
had not had you as my teacher all those years ago. I can only hope that I might
have even half the impact you have had on my own students......”
It was, of course, very touching to read
this – like the first mail it really did bring a tear to my eye – and as I read
it I realised how little we really know of
other people. I remember this young lady well; as an 11 year old she was hard
working, quiet and unassuming but I never once realised what was going on in
the background to her school life, never suspected the disenchantment that she
had with school and never knew what an impact I had unwittingly had upon her.
It was, as a say, humbling and at the same time more than a little daunting to
realise that such is the impact that we can, for good or ill, have upon the
lives of others – even when we do not suspect it. Of course, as a teacher it is
maybe easier to cite these examples. I’m sure that every teacher can quote
similar cases – dealing with people is the stock in trade of a teacher so it is not
unreasonable to assume that we will have
a personal effect on those we deal with. For others it may not be so
easy, but, I believe it is still true – that everyone, no matter what their
job, position or role in society will be impacted by and impact upon others in
ways they might never imagine. I have been reminded of this in the past day or
so.
Perhaps my most enduring and still haunting
memory of my childhood is of myself sitting, late at night, at the top of the stairs, tears
streaming down my face, as I listened to increasingly acrimonious arguments
taking place downstairs. This was not infrequent – it was part of the weekly
ritual of my childhood. Although I loved my mother dearly, I
knew (even as a child) that she was not the easiest of women and my father, a mild man
seemed to take these verbal assaults by my mother as a fact of life. Whatever
my father did it seemed (and still seems) to me he could not win; in her eyes
he was always to blame for the family’s trials and tribulations. One of the
frequent causes of arguments was about the family car. We were not well off and
each car we owned was long past its best. Fortunately dad was knowledgeable
about cars and engines and could always manage to keep the "old banger" on the road. If,
however there were problems then it was always dad’s fault; if the car was off
the road and so not available to take mother shopping or to work then it was
his fault “for always messing about with
it” or if he had to buy a new part to repair it he was “wasting money that we can’t afford on your toy” . He couldn’t win
whatever he did.
These arguments, and the way in which the car
was so often a touchstone for anger and bitterness, had an impact upon me which
lasts to this day. I will always shy away from angry disputes - preferring to withdraw into myself and
back off before things escalate into an argument. And since those childhood
days, I have always had a huge anxiety about cars and their maintenance. When
Pat and I married and got our first car – and every car since – having the car
serviced or doing some repair work on it has always been a concern: how much
will it cost, will the job be bigger than I anticipated, will the car be
alright when the repair is done? If I took my car to the garage for a service
then my heart would be in my mouth as I waited for the phone call to say that
the work had been carried out and that all was well. Often, when we were
younger I would do the work myself to save money, but then spend the next few
days and weeks worrying that I had done it properly and that the car was
working properly and would not let us down. And all the time, over all the
years when I took my car to the garage for its service or repair, deep in the
dark recesses of my mind I could still hear my mother’s angry voice hectoring
my father for the time and money that he spent on the old cars that we owned in
the 1950s and 60s. Even now when I have two new cars sitting on my drive those unpleasant
childhood memories still gnaw away at the back of my mind – are the cars
running well, will they need work done on them, how much will it cost, how long
will they be off the road? All totally irrational and unnecessary but, never
the less, an ever present anxiety.
But, about thirty five years ago my
anxieties were lessened considerably. I needed a repair done on a car that we
owned at the time and I was recommended by a neighbour to take it to the local
village garage rather than use bigger garages in the area. I did so and a mechanic came
onto the forecourt to look at the old mini while I began to explain what was
wrong. Before I could complete my explanation the mechanic smiled and told me
what the problem was. a common one that he had seen many times before. He switched on the engine and anticipating what I was
going to say confirmed what needed to be done. Yes, he could fix it easily
within an hour or so – it was no problem to him. Barrie was about my age, his
overalls covered in oil and an oily flat cap perched upon his head. “Bring the car round tomorrow and I’ll do it
for you” he smiled. “How much will it
cost”? I asked nervously. He gave me a rough estimate and promised that it
wouldn’t be more. The next day I took my car in – anxious about what would
happen. It would be ready early in the afternoon I was informed and so for the
rest of that morning I worried that it would cost more than anticipated or that
the repair would fail. Early in the afternoon I returned and as I turned the
corner where the garage stood there was my little mini waiting for me. Barrie
took me out to the car explained that he done the work and then listed several
other minor adjustments that he had made and which needed doing – and all for
the price he had quoted. This might seem an everyday thing, but at the time it
was important to me – for some reason I felt that I could trust this man and
the work that he did.
For the next 30 plus years or so Barrie
serviced my cars. This little oil stained man with his flat cap cared for all
the vehicles that he serviced like a nurse might tend her patients – knowing
every little detail and quirk of each. If he happened to be on the garage
forecourt as I drove on he would greet me by telling me what was wrong and what
needed to be done to the car before I had the time to get the words out; like Sherlock Holmes he could pick up the tiniest of clues to home in on the facts of the case! And it
was always the same as that first visit – when one went collect the car there
were always little extras done without asking and all with a very careful
explanation of what and how work had been done – and what I should look for
in the future. Barrie wasn’t just a skilled mechanic – he was a born
communicator: always a ready smile, a man who loved his job, a craftsman and
someone who was a perfectionist. Nothing left his care until it was working
perfectly. Of course, what I had discovered was what many others already knew –
Barrie’s work was legendary in the area. That was why the little back street garage was always busy
and so highly thought of. Each time I drove my car off the forecourt I felt
that I was sitting in a new car. No longer was getting the car serviced or
repaired a thing to be feared.
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Where I usually met Barrie - on the garage forecourt |
And so the years passed and then about
seven or eight years ago Barrie announced his retirement. A collection was made
at the garage and I know that many, like me where delighted to contribute
something for this man who had served us so well. Many, like me, asked Barrie if
he would continue to service our cars privately now that he had left the
garage’s employ but he steadfastly and rightly refused – he didn’t want to
upset his former employer. But, it came as no surprise to anyone when, a couple
of years later, the owner of the garage decided to retire himself and sell the
business. Barrie’s retirement had hit the garage hard. It was sad because the
garage was a good place; the other mechanics were excellent but Barrie had that
little indefinable extra and had almost proved himself irreplaceable. When
Barrie left so too did many customers. Gordon, the owner, couldn’t find anyone
to quite replace the smiling, chatty, oil covered little man in the flat cap.
For the past few years Barrie and I have
occasionally met on the village High Street or on the Village Green – he often
walking his little dog. We would pass the time of day, talk about cars or
complain about the weather, the wayward youth of the village or about our latest
holiday – two grumpy old men setting the world to rights. But recently, as my back pain has increased, I get out less and when I do see him he seems no longer the
smiling, chatty man that I once knew, who would talk so enthusiastically and
knowledgably about cars and engines and gearboxes. The years, as they have for me, have caught up with him. How quickly the merry-go-round of life turns!
I saw him a day or two ago as I walked home from the doctor's surgery and as I walked up my road I reflected how Barrie would probably never realise how he had,
unknowingly and without intention, impacted upon my life and made my life in a
small way so different. No longer did I worry in quite the same way about
keeping the cars maintained – deep down I knew that the real or perceived problems
associated with my cars could and would be fixed by someone who I learned to
trust implicitly; an activity that had once been a worry was now less so.
Barrie, a gentle, unassuming man would, I know, be embarrassed by me paying him
this compliment – for him it was just his job, and a job that he loved, but
just his job. He would say that he was just a car mechanic, not clever or special; but he was special and it was how he did his job that made him so and which made the difference - and in a way
that he never anticipated or intended. He wasn’t just repairing my car but by
his actions and manner repairing me too! It didn’t make my anxieties and
gremlins disappear completely but boy, did it help for I knew now that even
though I might still hear my mother’s hectoring words in the middle of the
night, car repairs were no longer a thing to dread – Barrie, I knew, would
quietly, professionally and enthusiastically solve everything and in doing so
give what I can only describe as peace of mind. He had the car mechanic’s
equivalent of a doctor’s “bedside manner” – no matter the problem he could
allay fears and put it all into a positive perspective. To many that may seem
trivial and silly – and I know that my stupid anxieties were, and are, just that,
stupid and silly. But what seems to me to be not trivial or silly is the fact that all
of us, in our dealings with others can and do have effects and impacts that we never
planned or intended and which, whether we like it or not, do make a lasting
impression for good or ill on those that we meet. Maybe there is
an important life lesson in that for us all.